My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize