Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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