Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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