i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We need to get me chipped asap
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
