i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
either way he was missing a nipple.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
