I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize