Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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