I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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