Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
