If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
