someone threw a dead crab at me
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
