Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
