Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
