I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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