I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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