great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
