I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
