Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
