i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
