but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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