Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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