I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
