Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
