I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
