Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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