my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
