left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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