Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
