highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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