walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
