she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
