We need to rekindle our bromance
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
