The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
