Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
