four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
