Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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