there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
stop calling my apartment porn island.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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