did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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