we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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