Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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