My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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