I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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