i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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