Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
