I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
