The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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