roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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