Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
