my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
