i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
