I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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