just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize