it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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