if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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