I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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