Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
