I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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