dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
