I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
