Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
